Little Nikki

https://media.giphy.com/media/UX7GjDimmAQnu/giphy.gif

 (WTF is that supposed to mean?... hope that was not secretly offensive to anyone???)

Last night I had a dream about Bubba, she had found Nikki.

Nikki was a kitten Will had found under a car in a bad rainstorm in our Lawndale apartment after moving out of 'Hell'. Nikki was the most magical addition to the family. She was playful, sweet, hilarious (she loved surprising you by jumping out like a little ghost) and she was all black.

We decided to call her Little Nikki after the Adam Sandler character, since she was obviously a little bit of a hellion but really good. (Jasmine our other cat was NOT into Nikki and had to move outside a bit after making our entire green velvet couch smell like Urinetown).

Back to the dream- it was heartbreaking to see Nikki because I hadn't seen her in so long, but also her hair was falling out and she was very thin. I gave her a can of food and she ate it happily. Maybe she just needed some attention and care.

In real life Nikki's hair had fallen out when we were broke and bought the shitty dollar store cat food. After I realized I bought her the good shit, duck and peas and she was a lot healthier. She was really kind of Will's cat, I guess we shared the responsibility. When we had to move and give her to another family I was devastated. I hoped they would be good for her. I used to see her around Manhattan Beach roaming by her new home. She seemed healthy, but it was still the hardest thing we had to do.

I think the dream is really about Will. And I feel terrible that I am not there now. That you are going through this shitty thing, that you must feel abandoned, that you are suffering. I haven't been able to talk to you recently. I feel awful about that. I wonder when it's okay to call. I know it seems like I totally suck and that I am a crazy B and don't love you, but I really, really, mean it when I say I care and sometimes its hard to understand why people do the things they do, but  I got your back no matter what.

I could try to say something to make you feel better, but I know nothing I say can make things better for you, and it really sucks. But you have got this. F**** cancer. Fuck this shit, You're stronger than any of it, you'll overcome every challenge facing you. Because you are actually awesome.

But, Little Nikki would send you all her love, and so do I. And Little Nikki would take away a little of your pain, and if I can so will I. I will get  out my wand, and I will send you a blessing and erase the curses. And I have opened my heart to let in your burdens in hopes they might lift for you. Nikki would sit on my lap sometimes when I was real depressed (it was a very hard time). She even used to sleep in a nest curled up in my hair on my pillow. Also at that time there was weird shit going on in the house. Maybe its something do with having a black cat around, but a spirit cat showed up too. Spirit animals come when we are in need. And I know you are in need. I hope spirit healers surround you with healing. And I hope you are eating enough, and I hope your treatment gets easier.


Mostly I hope you know you're not alone.

Bubba says hi.